The Definition of Beauty

Recently, I attended a body image workshop at my local yoga studio. I understood the message that was given and I understand the concept of good body image. Learn to accept your body. I get it. I really do- the whole "fake it until you make it", this is the only body you're going to get might as well accept it concept. And for the most part I am grateful for the body I do have. I have two legs, two arms, and can function normally- as long as it's not between the hours 11pm and 8am. I don't want this post to turn into an "I hate myself" post because that is just not true. I have come so far in not hating myself complete and I don't want to backtrack.

However, actually learning to accept your body is much hard than it seems. From a young age in our culture, we all (males and females alike) are convinced that they have to look a certain way in order to be loved. What kind of message is that to be sending?

It is complete and utter poppycock! You should not be loved for only your appearance. It is just a trait and not even a very good one. Would you rather have someone who looks good on their Instragram page or someone who can carry on a conversation, or is caring, or someone who is compassionate? Yes, it's nice to have someone attractive mostly because we are a sexually based culture, but the most beautiful person could be the meanest, rudest person you know. Who wants someone like that? I'm going to make an analogy about food because I like food. Would you rather have a burger that looks delicious that tastes disgusting or have a sloppy, hot mess of a burger that tastes delicious?

With that being said....I am definitely one with body issues. I've come to terms with many of the problems but still every now and again they come back and I have to reevaluate. Starting in high school, I developed many of the issues that women face in this day and age. My hair isn't long/straight enough. I'm too short. My waist isn't small enough. My boobs aren't big enough. Nothing is perfect. I'm not good enough. No wonder no one likes me etc...

These are the destructive thoughts that pass through not only my mind but the minds of many, which is sad. Sad that we are so caught up on one trait of ourselves. Why not work on being loyal, trustworthy, loving, smart, strong? Why are we all so stuck on the fact that our teeth are blinding people? And I am at fault for it too. Don't think I'm sitting here thinking how much I love my body. In all honesty, the reason I finally decided to finish this blog was because I was lying in bed thinking how big my waist was. I'm the girl that sits there and untags myself from photos because of how much I think I look disgusting (Don't believe me? Look how many pictures I'm in on Facebook). I am and I won't lie about it.

I have been working diligently since December to start to feel better about myself and what I have learned is making yourself healthy makes you feel better. Not 100% better, but it makes you more grateful for having good health as opposed to being sick and having a skinny waist. I love the way my lungs fill with air. I love the way my muscles move and grow. I focus on loving what my body can do over trying to force myself to love what my body looks like.

Another thing I have learned to do is to love looking at things other than a mirror or pictures. Have you ever watched the first snow fall of the year? Or watched the stars fill the sky? Or watch someone PR at the gym? Or someone interact with their kids? Those are the things to watch. Why waste your time looking at something that you can't change and makes you upset when you can look at something that touches your heart? I'm not saying it's going to be easy to build a positive body image, but maybe you should focus on fixing other traits you have an put "beauty" in the background for a little bit.

25 Things That Would Make Our Friendship Easier If You Knew...

1.) I either like you or I don't....love wholely or not at all
2.) My actions are based on what will please others
3.) I hate small talk. Tell me about your dreams, fears, problems and life
4.) I grew up being shown how to hide my emotions and feelings. I bottle them up. They exist way down deep and your important if you can reach them
5.) I'm the perfect silent hostess for parties. I swear I should have been born in the 50's
6.) The concept of love is confusing for me so I'm sorry I space out when you talk about your boyfriend/girlfriend
7.) Most nights I go to bed promptly at 10:30(unless it's a nightmare week) so do not call or text me at that time.
8.) Nightmare week happens every so often where a recurring nightmare happens all week. Fun fact. The nightmare probably has something to do with you getting hurt which terrifies me.
9.) If I don't get sleep, bacon, or exercise I turn into a monster.
10.) I hate brushing my hair and getting all fancy so stop judging me and my sweat pants.
11.) I get dressed up when I really need to so stay cool man
12.) When I think you act less mature than me (which is most people) I call you kid
13.) Yes, I act like a mom...because I said so.
14.) Partying hard is a waste of time. Don't ask me to waste time because I value it
15.) I abhor surprises. Uggg they are THE WORST. Don't even bother with wrapping paper
16.) The waitress at the restaurant will judge me for ordering so much and eating it all before she gets back. Just smile and give me the dessert menu
17.) I hate showing up to a house empty handed. Just rude
18.) I believe in manners to an extreme
19.) Very few of you get to see a very obscure side of me. Consider yourself lucky
20.) My sarcastic tone has turned into a serious tone since I have aged. Almost everything I say is a joke so don't get your panties in a bunch. Chill
21.) I committed to twenty five facts when I started this. Will. Not. Quit.
22.) I'm secretly 60. I watch Frasier and Cheers. I drink black coffee but I need ice or water to cool it off. When I used to drink I would have jack and ginger. I enjoy napping and reading. I do the puzzles in the newspaper. My joints crack she its going to rain....guys, it's to the point where my grandmother makes fun of how old I am
23.) If we are being chased by a bear, I got you. I will just lay down. I hate running that much
24.) I will be loyal, brutally honest, caring, loving and accommodating to you if you let me. I want to please everyone because that's just how I am. I want you to be happy. Just let me do what I enjoy doing and stop making a fuss about it.
25.) You break me, I ruin you.

Crossfit Rebuttal

I'm going to start this blog off with warning you all that I'm pissed off. I'm going to try to keep my cool, but we'll see how this goes.

Many of you know for the past 6 months I have been doing Crossfit. In recent, many people have been posting an article about bad coaching and therefore, how terrible Crossfit is. It's starting to bug me only because it's not how Crossfit is at all. The article discusses how it's all about beating the clock, lifting as heavy as possible, and using terrible form. All I can say is that I feel sorry for the people at the box that guy went to. Sure there are boxes out there like that and it's terrible. I am beyond grateful that the box I attend is not like that. It now seems like people believe that it is fact that all cross fitters want to do is be crazy with bad form. That's not true at all.

What my box is like...
We have a coaches for every class and most times than not we have two if we have more than 10 people. All of them are Crossfit certified as well as went to school or have been in the fitness world so long they might as well have.
There are 5 classes for the WOD (workout of the day) and a fundamental class that is offered twice a week and must be taken twice before you can even start the regular WOD classes. We introduce ourselves to everyone each class so everyone at least knows each others name. We become friends, family, a community.

Class....
Class starts off with a really good stretch/warm up, using both static and dynamic stretching. We spend the next half an hour(ish) doing a strength training of some sort. We use little to no weight to ensure that we have good form before we are allowed to start building up. Some days we even start with a PVC pipe before we are allowed to even get a bar. The coach monitors all of our forms and makes adjustments. We are then allowed to get a barbell and add weight in small increments until we reach a point where are form is no longer right. We stop at that weight. If you can't do a certain weight you don't just keep doing it, which seem to be the case in some other boxes and gyms, you stop. Train safe.

Next we move onto the WOD which changes everyday to keep things varied and interesting. They can include anything from running to oly lifting to other cardio activities. An RX weight is given but again you are forced to use a weight that you can do with good form. (My coach has taken weight off my bar mid-WOD) WODs generally range between 8 to 12 minutes and rarely do we have ones that go any longer than 16 unless it is a partner WOD, which is when you have a partner, split the work, and have time to rest during switch offs. There are modifications for everything and if you can't do the modification, they give you an alternate exercise to replace it. I.e. if you can't doing a rope climb, you do a burpee, box jump, jumping pull up. Can't do a box jump? Just step up. Coaches walk around to motivate you and to ensure that your form is good and you are using the appropriate weight....again my coach has taken off weight. We always cheer for the last person and motivate them to finish the work out because again we are family. At the end of the WOD, after we clean up everything, almost all of us sit around foam rolling and drinking water or protein shakes.

What you need to know about me....
I'm a girl. 5'2" 114#
I have been crossfitting for 6 months and I've only ever walked out of the box with a couple bruises and only have ever irritated injuries that I got before I ever knew Crossfit existed. I now eat 85% Paleo....can't give up chocolate, which yes, is probably 15% of my diet lol. And I hate to say this but to make my point I'm going to go into it. Before I started Crossfit, I didn't eat. I wouldn't for days then one day I would binge eat to the point where I would almost throw up. I hated my body, I hated myself. I was disgusting, pathetic, and depressed. There would be days I wouldn't get out of bed...literally days and the only thing I would get up for was to pee. I never worked out and would stay up until all hours of the night. I was on sleeping pills and would take more than the recommended amount just to get a couple hours of sleep. My whole life was a mess.

Then Crossfit came along. I understand now that seeing bones doesn't make you beautiful. Fitting into a size 00 doesn't make you beautiful. Having sunken eyes and slapping on make up to cover it up does not make you beautiful. Eating makes you beautiful. Sleeping makes you beautiful. Getting strong makes you beautiful. I'm sure some other form of exercise could have helped me, but it wouldn't have given me the family I need to help wake me up from a false reality. I count my blessings everyday with the great coaches I have and the fact that I work in a safe box. I feel bad for all of you who don't, but that doesn't make this whole franchise a joke. It doesn't mean that Crossfit destroys your body. It does if you train poorly. That one guys post breaks my heart because he is bashing the one thing that saved my life. It's not about beating the clock, bad form, and lifting too heavy of weights. It's about growing, learning, and understanding exactly what you are capable of.

Thank you Crossfit 696 for giving me everything you have and being everything I need.

Beating a Dead Horse or How My Blog is Turning into Sex in the City without the Sex or the City

I feel a little annoying because I keep posting about love and other nonsense topics relevant to it, but it seems to be the running topic in my life and the lives of the people around me right now. Perks of being young in age, right? I have decided to reach out to a few people about this topic because it happens so often to some of us. All of a sudden you look around, it's a wedding invitation here and a baby shower invitation there. How are you the only single person you know? That can't be statistically possible!!

It's not that I'm against singleness. I'm not...really, I'm not. Time. Freedom. Energy. Money. It has all the perks. Through high school and college being single is awesome. You don't have any commitment to anyone but yourself through those years. All your other friends are single and you all go out and have a good time. Those were the good days. Those were the days when singleness means fun and friendship. When did the days of singleness become so lonely?

Inevitably, we all get to a point in our lives where we have to go grocery shopping on our own, do our own laundry, pay bills and even make our our beds (or not make our bed at all...your choice). It's going to happen because your parents won't take care of you forever...and if they do, you should probably get a reality check.

I've asked some input from some friends on the transition from childhood to adulthood. Although you are technically an adult when you turn 18, you still can't drink. When you turn 21 you feel a little more like an adult, but you still don't know how to do anything. How do you rent a car or a hotel room? What are taxes? Insurance...what? You wake up one day though and you are 25 (to quote that 90's early 2000's song). All of a sudden everyone has figured out how to get married and have kids. Do they really know what they are doing or is it just like every other life experience? You only think it's weird until it's your turn. It's not abnormal to be 25 and getting married, so why in the heads of us singles does it seem like they are doing the unthinkable?

At a young age we are always told that "one day when we grow up and get married and have kids...." ______. *Fill in the blank with whatever ridiculous thing your parent did to you that they are telling you you will do. I was always the kid (still am) that tells everyone that I'm not going to grow up or get married or EVER have kids. Grosssss

That's only where it starts! Every song on the radio is about how sad it is to be single or how happy it is to be in a relationship. Every movie tells the story about how women just want to find the "perfect man" and live happily ever after. Everyone always pities the single girl-this also works for men, but I'm not a man and this is my blog sooo.....

It seems that ever since the beginning of time, where women were just meant to bear children, we have neglected to change our ways about the singles in the world. I'm sure even back then Agatha, who hung out in her cave all day, was eventually shunned and exiled. No one wants a woman who brings down the group. I don't mean to get all feminist on you guys. The same thing happens to single men. The only difference is that girls are nasty creatures and if they don't like a man, they make sure no one else will. So why have we refused to change the way we feel about someone who chooses not to have a companion? Maybe back in the old days you needed someone in order for the human race to continue. Understandable...I get that.  So how come in this day and age when the human race has more than enough people, is being single so frowned upon?

The Concept of Love in Correlation with Growing Up

Probably one of the biggest concepts to stump me is LOVE by means of settling down and having kids and all that boring stuff they don't show you in the movies. I can understand loving your family and your friends, but to commit yourself to being with one person the rest of your life!?! Baffles me!! Why would you want to be stuck with one person your entire life?

You date for a couple years to get used to each other. Then comes a ring and big party celebrating something that isn't even an accomplishment. (Good job. You can repeat words that some guy says to you. A parrot could do that...) You spend all your money trying to buy a "home" and a car. Then you need to get fat and leak all over the place for 9 months until it's time to squeeze something out of you. (vom so gross) You spend the next 18-25 (depending on how fast they mature) years trying to not rip your hair out trying to raise some monsters. Eventually, those kids move out and you are back at the beginning with your "one-true-love". How you can stand someone after that much time and torture is miraculous!

The next glorious years of your relationship you are supposed to watch your kids raise kids, go on adventures, and get out there and have a good time. You eventually get to the point where you are too old to do anything and you talk about the good ol' days and annoy the grandchildren or even great grandchildren(unless your lucky enough to have a kid like me). Finally, you both sit there annoying each other because you only have a few years left and you all of a sudden all the cute flaws are now annoying habits, which probably stress to the point where you die faster.

I just never understood why you would ever put yourself through that. You can choose to love someone and you can choose not to. And I'm sure some of you feel the same way out there. That it's all just a facade and those people are just rubbing it in that no one wants to play along with you. This happens a lot with us single people. You think the whole world is against you trying to show you what you're missing and sometimes you even fall for it! Don't fall for it kids. They don't have anything better. You're no better than me because you made a choice. I made a choice to eat bacon every day and that doesn't make me better than you (except it does...soo bad example but you get my point!!) My point is that I can make choices just like you and we are equals....or so I thought.

And then it happens. You see that one person....they stroll into your life and hit you like a bus. They knock you off your feet and laugh at you while you're lying on the ground. They want absolutely nothing to do with you and yet they just changed your entire life without the slightest idea that they did. And to reference my previous post, the word vomit comes and any chance you had to redeem yourself is thrown out the window. You toss and turn every night trying to dream of something other than sitting on a porch or a beach with them. For the first time ever you wish you would stop dreaming of laughing and being extraordinarily happy because you know that in reality that is far from the truth of what is happening. It's probably more agonizing to feel like this than to be in your 80's yelling at your significant other to take the coffee off the stove 20 times before they finally listen and you end up with burnt coffee.

The worst is that you just met them so if you tell them, they'll think you're doubtlessly crazy. If you don't say anything then you are just stuck feeling the way you do. Quietly-vanishing into their background because you refuse to make a splash. It's a battle of pride and honesty and pride will almost always win. We don't have the courage to share the honesty because it's not "normal". You're supposed to do that dating thing first remember? It's kind of funny how you can be fighting with yourself internally and the topic of your fight has no idea. Completely oblivious that you have feelings at all. Hopelessly in love, don't you think?

The Story of How I Can't Control My Word Vomit

Ladies and gentlemen, today we are going to discuss my thought process via speech in certain situations or with certain people. Say someone says a simple phrase to me (i.e. Hello. How are you?)- I tear the phrase apart to figure out what it is actually supposed to mean. I sit there and try to determine what impression I have made on the person. This could be a complete stranger or someone I have known for years. I can't explain why I care so much on what the person thinks, but I think it has to do with my need to make sure that people are as happy as they could be. I have this strange ability to alter myself to fit the needs of others without necessarily changing myself. I'm like Mystique from X-Men. I just want to make sure everyone is comfortable and content with my presence.

However, this all falls apart when a group of people gets together because everyone wants different things and I just can't deliver all of it. And I know many of you are sitting there saying "just be yourself, kid!" -well I am. I'm like a water color. Just one color, but many different shades come from that color. Therefore, people think I am bad in social situations because let's face it, I am. HA! Sure there are people I don't really like to hang out with or people I don't like to talk to, but I can adapt to each situation. Sometimes though, I miss what the person really wanted though and then I act different and I ruin whatever could have come from it, but for the most part, I'm pretty solid. Also, if people witness me acting one way towards one person, it can rub them the wrong way and then I ruin any chance of having a connection with that person because they want nothing to do with me.

I'm sure I have lost most of you at this point, which is fine because this is a tough thing for me to have to explain. Let's try sample conversations! Woo!!!!

How I converse with my grandmother on a daily basis
Gramster: You got another pair of shoes?
Me: No, I've had these shoes for a year.
G: I've never seen them
Me: Doesn't mean they didn't exist. What's wrong with your hair? It looks weird.

^^True love right there, guys. That woman is my best friend. She needs someone to remind her how to be young and how to live and how to joke around.

How I converse with my mom (normally)
Me: How was your day at work? Did you do anything new?
Mom: blah blah blah...(some story that she beats around the bush for 12 minutes to complete)
Me: That's ______ (awesome, terrible, funny, whatever adjective)
Mom: How was your day?
Me: It went well. I went to Crossfit and work.
Mom: Okay good night.
Me: Love you
Mom: Love you too.

^^She just needs someone to listen and I'm there to do that for her. I don't give her anything in my life to worry about because she has enough on her plate. I'm quick and to the point.

How I talk to my older friends and business partners
Me: (smart stuff)
Older people: ooohh, ahhh

^^Yeah. I do almost everything independently too so this is easy. Talking about bills and loans and stuff. They eat that shit up.

How I talk to people my age(PMA) who I don't do business with
PMA: Bhaha let's get drunk. blah blah blah party!!!!
Me: Meh, okay. Fuck, bitches, shit, fuck, swear, swear (I'm an asshole)

How I talk to strangers (male)
Me: Hi! How are you?
SM: Good. How are you?
Me: (normal conversation, cute, flirty, bubbly, girl)

How I talk to strangers (female....a little more difficult for me)
Me: Hello.
SF: Hi.
Me: ummmm....hair? nails? clothes? Ryan Gosling?

How I talk to men that I'm really interested in
Me: (word vomit)
Guy: uhhh....yeah. no.
Me: (stumble to apologize...fail miserably)
Guy: (ignore)

^^Hence the singleness kiddies. You know that feeling when you want to just scoop all your words back up and swallow them....seriously me every time.

I'm pretty much just a sloppy, hot, mess of a conversationalist. Luckily, I'm a pretty decent writer, so I have that going for me to get my points across. Granted, once I ruin a relation via speech, there is almost no way the person is going to read anything I write. But as you can see I am pretty adaptable...also if you are a guy you now know if I have liked you at one point or another. lol

The true test of friendship is if I can just sit there in complete comfortable silence with you. That's when you know it's real- no tension, no awkwardness- Just silence. This point in a friendship is literally the most beautiful. When you can just co-exist with one another. Few people I can do this with, but the ones I can, thank you for sticking through all the awkwardness of me trying to figure out how to talk. I love you all.

The Breakdown or How a World Can Come Crashing Down in Seconds

When I started this journey of Crossfit, I knew eventually I was going to get hurt somehow. I walked in everyday knowing that it was coming. There were days where I got rubber burn from stretching(pathetic I know), rips, bruises, and that one day I thought I broke my wrist doing wall balls...but I knew with some ice, antibiotic ointment, a band-aid, and a little love that they would get better (and they did). I felt myself getting stronger. I could lift more, go longer and go harder. It was awesome and I love that feeling. I'm addicted to it....And then my hand swelled up and I lost feeling in my right arm. My grip is a joke right now and every once in a while I get a pinching feeling in either my shoulder, under my armpit or in my elbow. What is more scary is now it is also starting to happen in my left shoulder.

I don't know if you guys are passionate about anything or not so let's put it this way....This is the start of my third month and I now get confused for being a coach. I'm there that much. Me not going is like a normal person not eating breakfast (when they normally do) or just deciding to stop breathing. I feel hopeless and bed ridden. I'm sinking back into depression and I don't know if it is worse for me  to go or stay home. When I stay home, I'm sad I'm not there. When I'm there, I'm sad that I''m pathetic. I know I should just "deal with it" and "listen to my body" and "do what you can" blah blah blah. It doesn't change the fact that I hate my stupid body right now for not being as strong as my mind and I hate my stupid mind for being smart enough not to seriously injure my body. I know that is difficult for many of you to understand because I should be smart and not hurt myself and I should be proud of my body for what it can do now. It will heal and I will be fine, but regardless I am impatient and this is horseshit!

Right?! Guess not.

***I do have a chiropractor appointment soon so I will fill you all in.