The Story of How I Can't Control My Word Vomit

Ladies and gentlemen, today we are going to discuss my thought process via speech in certain situations or with certain people. Say someone says a simple phrase to me (i.e. Hello. How are you?)- I tear the phrase apart to figure out what it is actually supposed to mean. I sit there and try to determine what impression I have made on the person. This could be a complete stranger or someone I have known for years. I can't explain why I care so much on what the person thinks, but I think it has to do with my need to make sure that people are as happy as they could be. I have this strange ability to alter myself to fit the needs of others without necessarily changing myself. I'm like Mystique from X-Men. I just want to make sure everyone is comfortable and content with my presence.

However, this all falls apart when a group of people gets together because everyone wants different things and I just can't deliver all of it. And I know many of you are sitting there saying "just be yourself, kid!" -well I am. I'm like a water color. Just one color, but many different shades come from that color. Therefore, people think I am bad in social situations because let's face it, I am. HA! Sure there are people I don't really like to hang out with or people I don't like to talk to, but I can adapt to each situation. Sometimes though, I miss what the person really wanted though and then I act different and I ruin whatever could have come from it, but for the most part, I'm pretty solid. Also, if people witness me acting one way towards one person, it can rub them the wrong way and then I ruin any chance of having a connection with that person because they want nothing to do with me.

I'm sure I have lost most of you at this point, which is fine because this is a tough thing for me to have to explain. Let's try sample conversations! Woo!!!!

How I converse with my grandmother on a daily basis
Gramster: You got another pair of shoes?
Me: No, I've had these shoes for a year.
G: I've never seen them
Me: Doesn't mean they didn't exist. What's wrong with your hair? It looks weird.

^^True love right there, guys. That woman is my best friend. She needs someone to remind her how to be young and how to live and how to joke around.

How I converse with my mom (normally)
Me: How was your day at work? Did you do anything new?
Mom: blah blah blah...(some story that she beats around the bush for 12 minutes to complete)
Me: That's ______ (awesome, terrible, funny, whatever adjective)
Mom: How was your day?
Me: It went well. I went to Crossfit and work.
Mom: Okay good night.
Me: Love you
Mom: Love you too.

^^She just needs someone to listen and I'm there to do that for her. I don't give her anything in my life to worry about because she has enough on her plate. I'm quick and to the point.

How I talk to my older friends and business partners
Me: (smart stuff)
Older people: ooohh, ahhh

^^Yeah. I do almost everything independently too so this is easy. Talking about bills and loans and stuff. They eat that shit up.

How I talk to people my age(PMA) who I don't do business with
PMA: Bhaha let's get drunk. blah blah blah party!!!!
Me: Meh, okay. Fuck, bitches, shit, fuck, swear, swear (I'm an asshole)

How I talk to strangers (male)
Me: Hi! How are you?
SM: Good. How are you?
Me: (normal conversation, cute, flirty, bubbly, girl)

How I talk to strangers (female....a little more difficult for me)
Me: Hello.
SF: Hi.
Me: ummmm....hair? nails? clothes? Ryan Gosling?

How I talk to men that I'm really interested in
Me: (word vomit)
Guy: uhhh....yeah. no.
Me: (stumble to apologize...fail miserably)
Guy: (ignore)

^^Hence the singleness kiddies. You know that feeling when you want to just scoop all your words back up and swallow them....seriously me every time.

I'm pretty much just a sloppy, hot, mess of a conversationalist. Luckily, I'm a pretty decent writer, so I have that going for me to get my points across. Granted, once I ruin a relation via speech, there is almost no way the person is going to read anything I write. But as you can see I am pretty adaptable...also if you are a guy you now know if I have liked you at one point or another. lol

The true test of friendship is if I can just sit there in complete comfortable silence with you. That's when you know it's real- no tension, no awkwardness- Just silence. This point in a friendship is literally the most beautiful. When you can just co-exist with one another. Few people I can do this with, but the ones I can, thank you for sticking through all the awkwardness of me trying to figure out how to talk. I love you all.